Musicians Dictionary February 24, 2010

A Musician's Dictionary courtesy of Ian Follis. This is too good not to post... enjoy:)

AGENT: a character who resents performers getting 90% of his salary.

ARRANGER: a guy who writes to support a drinking habit.

BALLET: an art form for people with eating disorders

BANDSTAND: the area furthest away from an electrical outlet

BIG BAND: nowadays, an aggregation consisting of two musicians.

BROADWAY PIT JOB: a prison sentence disguised as a gig.

CABARET: a venue where singers do songs from shows that closed out of town.

CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME: god's way of telling you that you've practiced too much.

CATERER: a man whose hatred for musicians is unrivaled.

CHANTEUSE: a singer with an accent and no time.

CLASSICAL COMPOSER: a man ahead of his time and behind in the rent.

CLUBDATER: god's way of telling you that you didn't practice enough.

CLUB DATE LEADER: someone who changes his name from Kaminsky to Kaye.

CONTINENTAL VIOLINIST: a guy who rushes like he's trying to catch the last train to Budapest.

CONTRACTOR: a man whose funeral nobody goes to.

CRUISE SHIP WORK: a gig that gives a musician two reasons to throw up.

DJ: the guy your son would rather have play his Bar Mitzvah

D-MINOR: a rare army classification which states: in the event of war, all musicians are to only play klezmer.

DOUBLEBASS: the instrument the folks footing the bill feel is unnecessary.

DOWNBEAT: the magazine that would have you believe that all jazz musicians are working.

ELECTRIC PIANO: the instrument that enables its player to pay for the hernia he sustained lifting it.

HOTEL PIANIST: a guy who looks good in a tux.

JAZZ: the only true american art form beloved by europeans.

JAZZ FESTIVAL: an event attended by folks who think Coltrane is a car on the B&O railroad.

LYRIC: that part of a tune known only by singers and homosexuals.

MELLOPHONE: an instrument best put to use when converted into a lamp.

METRONOME: the archenemy of chanteuses and cantors.

MOVIE COMPOSER: someone who can write like anyone except himself.

NEW AGE : a musical substitute for Valium.

NEW YEARS EVE: the night of the year when contractors are forced to hire musicians they despise.

ORCHESTRATOR: the musician who enhances a composer's music, only to be chastised for it .

PERCUSSIONIST: a drummer who can't swing.

PERFECT PITCH: the ability to pinpoint any note and still play out of tune.

PIANIST: an archaic term for a keyboard player.

PRODIGY: a kid who has as much chance at a normal childhood as the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series.

RAGA: the official music of New York's Taxi and Limousine Commission.

RARE VIOLIN: a Stradivarius, not to be confused with a rare violinist, which is someone over four
foot eleven.

SIDEMAN: the appellation that guarantees a musician will never be rich.

STAFF MUSICIAN: harder to locate than a cavity in the Osmond family.

STEADY ENGAGEMENT: look up in Webster's Dictionary under the word ''obsolete.''

24\7: the time signature of the national anthem of India.

UNION REP: a guy who thinks big bands are coming back.

VERSE: the part of a tune that's disposable, except to its composer.

VIOLA D'AMORE: a baroque string instrument and coincidentally the hooker Bach lost his virginity to.

WURLITZER: the Ford Pinto of pianos.

YANNI: a man blessed with great hair for music.

R&B Fest

It's that time of year again when Sharon Wadsworth and John Fisher produce the R & B Fest, this Saturday February 27 at Hermann's on View St. Tickets are available by e mailing [email protected]. Proceeds go towards the "NEED CRISIS AND INFORMATION LINE" and it's a small venue that always sells out so get your tickets now!

PARTY TIME

It's been a while since we've had a good old fashioned social event so "Lightning" Len Siemens and Ernie Neiderer have secured the Prince Edward Legion (Langford Legion) Auditorium for a Victoria Music Hall of Fame fundraiser and dance on Saturday April 24, 2010. Both Lightning Express and Cruel Shoes Rock "N" Blues Band will perform with some "special guests" sitting in throughout the evening. Ticket are $15. each or 2 for $20. and will be available Friday February 26th. Mark that date in your calendar and check back to find out how to get your tickets, it'll be a blast.

JUNO AWARDS

The Provincial Capital Commission (PCC) and Downtown Victoria Business Association (DVBA) have initiated a review of an opportunity to host a future JUNO Awards celebration in the Capital Region. Your ideas and comments will help shape the final recommendations. Click on the link below for more info and/or to get your opinion heard.
Victoria Music Awards

FACEBOOK

Have you been to the Royal City Music Project on Facebook yet? Sign up to be a fan! Got friends on Facebook? Make sure you tell them about us!

GEORGE BENSON

The 26th TD Victoria International Jazzfest opens with 10 time Grammy Award winner George Benson at the Royal Theatre Friday June 25, 2010. Tickets are now on sale at all McPherson Box Office locations.